Below is a link to a video I found online. It's really hard to know how to deal with infertility, or help others with infertility. So I think this is the best window into IF life I've seen. It starts out kinda jumpy, but stick with it.
What IF?
IF. A word of possibilities, choices, paths. IF, the acronym in the blogging community for infertility, a world full of choices, paths, possibilities... IFs.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Aunt Flo....Are you on your way?
Have you ever been excited for your period to come??? It's weird, I know. But I'm actually, for the first time in over two years, ready and waiting. That would mean that our "next step" would actually be a little closer.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Ha Ha Suckers!
I don't get many chances to rub things in, so here it goes......
I'm going to the wineries, I'm going to the wineries, I'm going to the wineries!!! Not just Saturday but Sunday too! Ha Ha! Take that all who are pregnant and can't enjoy a nice glass of wine..or two...or three. :) Take that all who have super cute kids but can't find a sitter. :)
Finally! Some perks to the infertile!
I'm going to the wineries, I'm going to the wineries, I'm going to the wineries!!! Not just Saturday but Sunday too! Ha Ha! Take that all who are pregnant and can't enjoy a nice glass of wine..or two...or three. :) Take that all who have super cute kids but can't find a sitter. :)
Finally! Some perks to the infertile!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
More Bloodwork
Last week I had my hematologist order more bloodwork to check my homocysteine levels. I have the MTHFR genetic marker that leads me to having a higher risk of blood clots. At one point in my journey, they thought this may have been my infertility problem. My hematologist recommended going off all the MTHFR meds (3 pills per day and a daily injection of blood thinner). I did and we tested my blood right away. 5.2 was my level. The only worry was that by just going off my meds, it didn't give my MTHFR time to back up my homocysteine level. With the IVF coming up in a couple months I needed to make sure I wasn't prone to clots and end up with a higher risk of miscarriage. End up paying all this money and going through all these procedures and miscarry. I have a friend with MTHFR too and she miscarried multiple times. Once when she was past 7 months! So now over 4 months later, my levels have actually gone down! 3.7 and they get concerned with anything over 10.
So I should be really excited. My levels are low. But I don't know everything there is about MTHFR and research is still uncovering new things about it. I'm planning on talking to my doctor to see what they think about this, but... What if there's something else that we're missing..... What if its not just the homocysteine levels.... What if I get pregnant and....
So I should be really excited. My levels are low. But I don't know everything there is about MTHFR and research is still uncovering new things about it. I'm planning on talking to my doctor to see what they think about this, but... What if there's something else that we're missing..... What if its not just the homocysteine levels.... What if I get pregnant and....
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Vacation
Tim and I are going to go with the IVF option. We're still looking into all the insurance details and etc because this isn't the cheapest procedure I've ever had done. :)
But no one get excited yet, because its going to take a little while. We didn't decide in time to use this cycle, next month they have to put me on birth control pills for that cycle, then we have to wait for an orientation, then comes the month that we get to do IVF. So probably sometime in June or July. It seems like a long time to wait but after 2+ years of trying, nothing seems long anymore.
I do find it humorous that I need to be on birth control pills again. It has something to do with clearing out stuff and getting my body prepared for the onslaught of eggs coming its way. But its still funny. Anyhew, next couple months = vacation!!! I know we've got a couple winery trips planned, some out of town events to go to, family coming in to visit, Tim's conference in Florida. So we'll still be busy. Just can't let the waiting kill us. :)
But no one get excited yet, because its going to take a little while. We didn't decide in time to use this cycle, next month they have to put me on birth control pills for that cycle, then we have to wait for an orientation, then comes the month that we get to do IVF. So probably sometime in June or July. It seems like a long time to wait but after 2+ years of trying, nothing seems long anymore.
I do find it humorous that I need to be on birth control pills again. It has something to do with clearing out stuff and getting my body prepared for the onslaught of eggs coming its way. But its still funny. Anyhew, next couple months = vacation!!! I know we've got a couple winery trips planned, some out of town events to go to, family coming in to visit, Tim's conference in Florida. So we'll still be busy. Just can't let the waiting kill us. :)
Pins and Needles
This week I went in to try acupuncture. I had seen it on numerous websites and wondered if it really works or is just junk. My chiropractor, who I have been going to for over 3 years, does acupuncture too. It didn't click with me til I was in there last week for an adjustment and saw it on his sign again. I asked him if he thought it could do anything to help with infertility. Of course, he says yes and books me another appointment.
Monday comes around and I go in and the receptionist informs me of a new policy just put into place. They're no longer handling the billing of the insurance. Hmmmm. They'll still allow reimbursement from my insurance but I have to pay up front and then take my papers to my insurance and get reimbursed then. It was really early, so I didn't think much of it and paid for my acupuncture. I was telling Tim on my way home and he started saying something about "managed care" or something. Next thing I knew Tim is calling me back and had spoken to my chiropractors office. Of course he knows more about healthcare than I do, but its hard when the receptionist is either lying or just stupid. They are no longer dealing with the hassle of billing the insurance, because they are no longer taking my insurance! I even asked her if everything was still the same with my insurance, coverage, etc!
So needless to say, that was my first and last infertility acupuncture visit.
Monday comes around and I go in and the receptionist informs me of a new policy just put into place. They're no longer handling the billing of the insurance. Hmmmm. They'll still allow reimbursement from my insurance but I have to pay up front and then take my papers to my insurance and get reimbursed then. It was really early, so I didn't think much of it and paid for my acupuncture. I was telling Tim on my way home and he started saying something about "managed care" or something. Next thing I knew Tim is calling me back and had spoken to my chiropractors office. Of course he knows more about healthcare than I do, but its hard when the receptionist is either lying or just stupid. They are no longer dealing with the hassle of billing the insurance, because they are no longer taking my insurance! I even asked her if everything was still the same with my insurance, coverage, etc!
So needless to say, that was my first and last infertility acupuncture visit.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sorry
I'm apologizing up front for this post because its not going to be all hope and smiles. I know I read different blogs because they're entertaining or get me to laugh, but today that is not this blog. Sorry. Today this is going to be therapy for me.
I'm crying as I write this just as I've been crying since leaving the Drs office yesterday. The night before our visit to the Dr, my cousin let us know that she is pregnant. Now I'm not mad at her or anything but she is very young, not married, and I don't think she's even out of her parents house yet. This comes just a few months after discovering my other cousin, who is only 21years old - not much older than her- is pregnant with her second child! She isn't living on her own or even with her boyfriend either, but is pregnant again. As I listened to the Dr, both Nikki and Ashley kept coming into my mind.
Our Dr gave us three options we could pursue, none of which he really thought were good.
Option #1 - Laparoscopy. Surgery. Putting me under anesthesia and inserting a scope through my abdomen to take a look around. They would be making sure all my organs are properly shaped and that I don't have endometriosis. From the countless ultrasounds I have had, a different surgery to look at my tubes and uterus, and other exams, there's nothing to lead him or myself to think anythings misshapen, but its an option to do. Plus I exhibit absolutely no signs of endometriosis. This surgical procedure would be to just cover our bases.
Option #2 - IUI with injectibles. More shots. Injectibles work similar to clomid, making you produce more eggs/follicles. On my last cycle, clomid got me two follicles. The down side with this is that injectible meds are way more expensive, about $1000 per vial. And requires a lot more monitoring and bloodwork. And if we go in for another ultrasound around ovulation and it shows more than 3 or 4 follicles, the Dr will call it off entirely and not do the procedure. The risk for multiples is too high. So I could go through all the drama, money, time away from work to go downtown for these procedures, and then not even be able to do it. Which I think will happen since I stimulate so well with clomid.
Option #3 - IVF. I linked a website to IVF in my last post, but here's a breakdown of what I would have to go through. More surgeries, yes multiple. IVF requires much more prep work and bloodwork prior to starting, so the actual in-vitro procedure wouldn't happen for a month or two. They would start me on shots to block my brain-to-ovaries pathway. So that way they can give me two more shots to stimulate my ovaries into becoming a follicle making machine. I would be trying to make 10+ follicles, easy. So at this point I'm giving up to 3 shots per day, plus lots of monitoring (aka bloodwork and ultrasounds). Prior to ovulation I would be admitted for surgery #1 - where they put me under anesthesia again. Using an internal ultrasound as a guide, they would insert two big needles (one in each ovary) and suck out the follicles. Those would go to an embryologist who would see if they're good to use. They would then take half and do an ICSI procedure. That involves inserting a single sperm. Even though they do this, it doesn't mean it will fertilize (only about 60% do). Plus if we end up using one of the ICSI eggs, the research shows higher risk of birth defects. The other half of my eggs would be put in petri dishes with tim's sperm and see if any of those fertilize. After 3-5 days of watching the eggs, they would see if any of them are "working" the way they would like and select one or two to try to implant. Then its surgery #2 for them to insert the fertilized eggs. Even at this point, nothings guaranteed. The fertilized eggs might not stick and implant into my uterus lining.
So as you can see, this sucks. We have nothing but a really hard road in front of us. While others can get pregnant when they're using condoms and trying not to... I guess there is another option.
Option #4 - Not have kids. Which Tim and I have discussed and we do love our life now. So we would be ok. But I wonder if the same thought would still pass through our heads everytime we see a little child.... what if we had one? In the past week I've had multiple people, some just stupid coworkers, tell me a story of "some couple" they knew that tried for years and then gave up and then got pregnant. For all the fertiles out there, do not share these stories! They don't make us feel better. For every couple that this happens to, a hundred others are still childless. Plus, in order to be that story, means we would have to give up first, give up on having a family, convince ourselves that we're fine with discarding everything we've gone through up to this point. That's a lot to overcome mentally. I've always said this whole process will break me mentally before any of the physical stuff. And then two, three, four years later - magically get pregnant, when you are finally settled into being childless. Yeah, maybe lucky, but it doesn't sound fun. So please, don't share those stories to others that you find out are having fertility issues.
Now all Tim and I have left to do is just decide. Sounds so simple, just decide. I've never had something so simple be so devastingly hard.
I'm crying as I write this just as I've been crying since leaving the Drs office yesterday. The night before our visit to the Dr, my cousin let us know that she is pregnant. Now I'm not mad at her or anything but she is very young, not married, and I don't think she's even out of her parents house yet. This comes just a few months after discovering my other cousin, who is only 21years old - not much older than her- is pregnant with her second child! She isn't living on her own or even with her boyfriend either, but is pregnant again. As I listened to the Dr, both Nikki and Ashley kept coming into my mind.
Our Dr gave us three options we could pursue, none of which he really thought were good.
Option #1 - Laparoscopy. Surgery. Putting me under anesthesia and inserting a scope through my abdomen to take a look around. They would be making sure all my organs are properly shaped and that I don't have endometriosis. From the countless ultrasounds I have had, a different surgery to look at my tubes and uterus, and other exams, there's nothing to lead him or myself to think anythings misshapen, but its an option to do. Plus I exhibit absolutely no signs of endometriosis. This surgical procedure would be to just cover our bases.
Option #2 - IUI with injectibles. More shots. Injectibles work similar to clomid, making you produce more eggs/follicles. On my last cycle, clomid got me two follicles. The down side with this is that injectible meds are way more expensive, about $1000 per vial. And requires a lot more monitoring and bloodwork. And if we go in for another ultrasound around ovulation and it shows more than 3 or 4 follicles, the Dr will call it off entirely and not do the procedure. The risk for multiples is too high. So I could go through all the drama, money, time away from work to go downtown for these procedures, and then not even be able to do it. Which I think will happen since I stimulate so well with clomid.
Option #3 - IVF. I linked a website to IVF in my last post, but here's a breakdown of what I would have to go through. More surgeries, yes multiple. IVF requires much more prep work and bloodwork prior to starting, so the actual in-vitro procedure wouldn't happen for a month or two. They would start me on shots to block my brain-to-ovaries pathway. So that way they can give me two more shots to stimulate my ovaries into becoming a follicle making machine. I would be trying to make 10+ follicles, easy. So at this point I'm giving up to 3 shots per day, plus lots of monitoring (aka bloodwork and ultrasounds). Prior to ovulation I would be admitted for surgery #1 - where they put me under anesthesia again. Using an internal ultrasound as a guide, they would insert two big needles (one in each ovary) and suck out the follicles. Those would go to an embryologist who would see if they're good to use. They would then take half and do an ICSI procedure. That involves inserting a single sperm. Even though they do this, it doesn't mean it will fertilize (only about 60% do). Plus if we end up using one of the ICSI eggs, the research shows higher risk of birth defects. The other half of my eggs would be put in petri dishes with tim's sperm and see if any of those fertilize. After 3-5 days of watching the eggs, they would see if any of them are "working" the way they would like and select one or two to try to implant. Then its surgery #2 for them to insert the fertilized eggs. Even at this point, nothings guaranteed. The fertilized eggs might not stick and implant into my uterus lining.
So as you can see, this sucks. We have nothing but a really hard road in front of us. While others can get pregnant when they're using condoms and trying not to... I guess there is another option.
Option #4 - Not have kids. Which Tim and I have discussed and we do love our life now. So we would be ok. But I wonder if the same thought would still pass through our heads everytime we see a little child.... what if we had one? In the past week I've had multiple people, some just stupid coworkers, tell me a story of "some couple" they knew that tried for years and then gave up and then got pregnant. For all the fertiles out there, do not share these stories! They don't make us feel better. For every couple that this happens to, a hundred others are still childless. Plus, in order to be that story, means we would have to give up first, give up on having a family, convince ourselves that we're fine with discarding everything we've gone through up to this point. That's a lot to overcome mentally. I've always said this whole process will break me mentally before any of the physical stuff. And then two, three, four years later - magically get pregnant, when you are finally settled into being childless. Yeah, maybe lucky, but it doesn't sound fun. So please, don't share those stories to others that you find out are having fertility issues.
Now all Tim and I have left to do is just decide. Sounds so simple, just decide. I've never had something so simple be so devastingly hard.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Nerves
So for the past 12 months we've been going through all this infertility stuff. The knowing and not knowing. It's definitely the not knowing that's the worst. I think that's why I'm so nervous for tomorrow. We're done with IUI's and now on to....??? My thoughts are IVF is what comes next but I'm not the expert. IVF doesn't sound like the most fun I've ever had. We'll find out tomorrow morning what should really come next.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I'm not good at waiting!
How come I have so little patience??? I'm not supposed to POAS until 4/7 but really want to try now. Even though these past two years have told me that the results are not going to be accurate. Plus the results are probably going to be negative. Grrrr....I guess I'll try to wait until 4/6
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