Hope is a crazy thing. Usually good, it can make you smile. Helps you see things half full more often than half empty. It causes your heart to flutter and your dreams to be a little bit sunnier. But in the IF community, Hope is dirty word. We've been burned by her so many times, that she's probably been called every name in the book by now. She has non-stop, month after month, taken couples hearts and shred them into tiny bits. She takes that bright dream you've been having and turns it into a real nightmare. At 2 1/2 years into our IF journey, I'm very cautious about Miss Hope. I have kicked her to the curb and left her out there for most of the winter.
But now I'm changing my game plan and just praying that Miss Hope doesn't kick my ass for doing so. Last week I started Lupron injections, next Friday I start my stim injections, and today Aunt Flo has shown up. We are well into this last cycle....our IVF cycle. Tim and I are both medically fine, and therefore are labeled "Unexplained Infertility". So we're thinking our chances should be pretty good with this cycle. Since no doctor has been able to find out what is causing our infertility, this should work....right? So I've planned to live my life (or at least the next 30 days) to the fullest and let Hope back in. I'm "hope"ing this will help me lower my stress since the Doc said no to all exercises that get your heartrate over 140 (which is everything). Having Hope should keep the stress of everything down. I'm going to think of the glass as half full, see things a little brighter, and plan for the positive outcome. My strategy (because I know that Miss Hope is still an evil witch) is that this is going to hurt so very badly if IVF doesn't work. It's going to rip my heart out whether I've braced myself for it or not. So I'm going to go all for it, and give myself 100% to hope.
Plan B - in case anyone was wondering. When Aunt Flo shows up next month, would entail an impromptu flight out to Vegas. :) And I would be giving 100% of myself out there too! But that's not going to happen.....because Hope told me so.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Quote of My Year
Do one thing every day that scares you.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I had bought this quote on a magnet years ago. I loved reminding myself to keep stepping outside of my comfort zone. I came across it again today. I don't think there is another sentence that could sum things up so perfectly.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I had bought this quote on a magnet years ago. I loved reminding myself to keep stepping outside of my comfort zone. I came across it again today. I don't think there is another sentence that could sum things up so perfectly.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Shots Start Tonight!
Lupron shots start tonight! These shots help disconnect my brain from my ovaries. Otherwise my body would realize its in hyperdrive and freak out. These will be similar shots to my previous Lovenox experience, the only difference is that the syringes are not prefilled. So I'll be mixing my own drugs. Man, I still feel like a drug dealer! :) Hopefully the bruising won't be too bad.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Irony
Every morning I giggle to myself as I take my prescription strength prenatal vitamin and my prescribed birth control pill all in the same swallow. It's funny where life takes you.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Few Steps Ahead
I don't know why but I always like to know what's next. Next week, next month, etc. So tonight I played a little game that I haven't done in awhile. On parents.com there is a due date predictor and the chinese gender predictor. So drum roll please........
In March we'll have a little baby girl. :)
PS- to my family who knows what another birth in March means, I'm sorry but we're not going to delay for an April baby :)
PPS- to everyone, I know I'm a dork :)
In March we'll have a little baby girl. :)
PS- to my family who knows what another birth in March means, I'm sorry but we're not going to delay for an April baby :)
PPS- to everyone, I know I'm a dork :)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Busy Busy
This has been a busy, busy week. Not to mention a lot going on with work this week, and a friend's wedding Friday night, and heading out to Columbia Saturday to come back Sunday to go straight into work for a few hours. In addition to all that I've been down to the Doctor twice.
First time was on Tuesday morning. It was my trial embryo transfer. The Doc was going through the motions with all his fun equipment and making sure which catheter worked the best, best positioning, etc. It was good times. (PS- can't wait til someone invents a sarcasm font.) Then bloodwork. I thought I felt a harder prick of the needle than normal but just chalked it up to still not liking needles. Nope. Sure enough, I've got a good bruise on my arm now. The bright spot was Tim took me out for lunch afterwards. Racanelli's pizza is yummy. I told him to take me anywhere we don't have out in St. Charles county. So far so good. Last week was Pickle's deli. I had a great sandwich.
Yesterday was our 5 hour long IVF orientation. Most of the stuff was review but some was new. The jury is still out on whether we left feeling hopeful or more scared. The strange thing is that Tim, Mr. Worst Case Scenario, was the hopeful one. Granted he had some good points. We were probably the only ones in there in our age group (under 35). Dr. Odem has been straight up with us in the past and hasn't said anything to make us feel like IVF will be a waste of our time. The statistics they gave count in everyone trying IVF, while we have unexplained infertility but all our parts are still working, other people have far more serious issues. They may never get pregnant and their stats were factored in as well.
On the other hand, the info I didn't know already just made me more nervous. It made me realize that having a baby is a miracle. And exactly that, you need a miracle for this to happen. Statistics from their office show IVF in our age group creates pregnancy 50% of the time and that you carry that baby to delivery is 44%. That makes me want to hyperventilate. We need a miracle.
They covered the process from start to finish and this is what we need. 1) I need to react well to the stimulating meds. Underreacting would lead to cancelling the procedure, Overreacting could lead to some very serious side effects and cancelling the procedure. 2) When they remove my follicles, the eggs need to be mature. 3) Mature eggs then need to be fertilized. Even though they can inject a sperm inside, doesn't mean it will take. 4) Fertilize eggs need to grow properly. 2 to 4 to 8 cells. 5) Fertilized eggs need to be transferred back and need to stick. 6) Then a whole new set of issues to overcome to not miscarry. I keep telling myself that people do this every day. All of my worries and fear of the "what if's" is not going to stop me from pushing on and trying. People do this every day. My goal is to stay positive and think of all the good what if's.
After our brain-numbing orientation, Tim took me out for Indian food. It was good - spicy- but good. Today we get our shipment of meds. All but the HCG shot, that comes from a different pharmacy. I'll try to learn how to post pics because this pile of drugs is going to be massive!
On my goal of being positive, Tim helped a lot last night. He got a glimpse into the thoughts of girls and played the "what if" game with me. We came up with name ideas for a boy, for a girl. Decorated the nursery in our minds for a boy or a girl....got stuck on what to do with twins if we get one of each. Came up with best room to place the rocking chair, etc. It was fun for me, hopefully Tim didn't think I was too crazy thinking about that stuff already. In addition to the what if game, I'm going to post quotes that I find are inspirational to me. Please feel free to post any that you find and love too.
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
First time was on Tuesday morning. It was my trial embryo transfer. The Doc was going through the motions with all his fun equipment and making sure which catheter worked the best, best positioning, etc. It was good times. (PS- can't wait til someone invents a sarcasm font.) Then bloodwork. I thought I felt a harder prick of the needle than normal but just chalked it up to still not liking needles. Nope. Sure enough, I've got a good bruise on my arm now. The bright spot was Tim took me out for lunch afterwards. Racanelli's pizza is yummy. I told him to take me anywhere we don't have out in St. Charles county. So far so good. Last week was Pickle's deli. I had a great sandwich.
Yesterday was our 5 hour long IVF orientation. Most of the stuff was review but some was new. The jury is still out on whether we left feeling hopeful or more scared. The strange thing is that Tim, Mr. Worst Case Scenario, was the hopeful one. Granted he had some good points. We were probably the only ones in there in our age group (under 35). Dr. Odem has been straight up with us in the past and hasn't said anything to make us feel like IVF will be a waste of our time. The statistics they gave count in everyone trying IVF, while we have unexplained infertility but all our parts are still working, other people have far more serious issues. They may never get pregnant and their stats were factored in as well.
On the other hand, the info I didn't know already just made me more nervous. It made me realize that having a baby is a miracle. And exactly that, you need a miracle for this to happen. Statistics from their office show IVF in our age group creates pregnancy 50% of the time and that you carry that baby to delivery is 44%. That makes me want to hyperventilate. We need a miracle.
They covered the process from start to finish and this is what we need. 1) I need to react well to the stimulating meds. Underreacting would lead to cancelling the procedure, Overreacting could lead to some very serious side effects and cancelling the procedure. 2) When they remove my follicles, the eggs need to be mature. 3) Mature eggs then need to be fertilized. Even though they can inject a sperm inside, doesn't mean it will take. 4) Fertilize eggs need to grow properly. 2 to 4 to 8 cells. 5) Fertilized eggs need to be transferred back and need to stick. 6) Then a whole new set of issues to overcome to not miscarry. I keep telling myself that people do this every day. All of my worries and fear of the "what if's" is not going to stop me from pushing on and trying. People do this every day. My goal is to stay positive and think of all the good what if's.
After our brain-numbing orientation, Tim took me out for Indian food. It was good - spicy- but good. Today we get our shipment of meds. All but the HCG shot, that comes from a different pharmacy. I'll try to learn how to post pics because this pile of drugs is going to be massive!
On my goal of being positive, Tim helped a lot last night. He got a glimpse into the thoughts of girls and played the "what if" game with me. We came up with name ideas for a boy, for a girl. Decorated the nursery in our minds for a boy or a girl....got stuck on what to do with twins if we get one of each. Came up with best room to place the rocking chair, etc. It was fun for me, hopefully Tim didn't think I was too crazy thinking about that stuff already. In addition to the what if game, I'm going to post quotes that I find are inspirational to me. Please feel free to post any that you find and love too.
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I HEART Insurance!!!
OMG.....are you ready for this?!?!?
My Drugs Pre-insurance Cost My Costs
Follistim $1566 $100
Menapur $552 $50
Lupron $198 $10
HCG $60 $50
Vitamins $37 $10
Medrol $23 $10
Progesterone $70 $35
Z-pack $34 $7
Total $2540 $272
Thank you God for all my blessings.....especially good insurance!
My Drugs Pre-insurance Cost My Costs
Follistim $1566 $100
Menapur $552 $50
Lupron $198 $10
HCG $60 $50
Vitamins $37 $10
Medrol $23 $10
Progesterone $70 $35
Z-pack $34 $7
Total $2540 $272
Thank you God for all my blessings.....especially good insurance!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I heart schedules
I'm a planner. I love to have dates, schedules, a map, the plan. So it was awesome when the Drs office called to tell me what's next.
First we ordered the meds needed. I have to go through a special Walgreens pharmacy out of Dallas. At first I was wondering why a "special" pharmacy......this is why a special pharmacy.
My meds - and their pre-insurance costs
Follistim 2 vials - $1566 (and that's the discounted price)
Menapur 10 vials - $552
Lupron 2 kits - $198
Special strength prenatal vitamins - $37
Medrol - $23
Progesterone 2 vials - $70
Zpac - $34
HCG shot - $60
Grand Total = $2,540
Come on insurance!!! In 48 hours, they'll be getting back with me on how much of that will really be out of pocket.
Tomorrow I start birth control pills. And then the schedule starts rolling....
Tues, May 11 - Trial Embryo Transfer - They are going to do a mock transfer to make sure they use the right catheter, see if they need ultrasound guidance, etc. Plus bloodwork.
Thur, May 13 - 5 hour IVF Orientation - Everything you did and didn't want to know about IVF
Sun, May 23 - Start Lupron injections
Wed, May 26 - Take last birth control pill
Wed, June 2 - Drs Appt for an ultrasound and bloodwork
Fri, June 4 - Start Stim injections
After that is just a whole lot of monitoring. Yay for plans! I know all you Type A people out there get this :) That's all for now. Stay tuned for how grateful I am for prescription coverage.....or how much I hate ExpressScripts.
Not many nerves right now. The only thing I'm nervous about is the side effects of the meds. If you look them up, they range from headaches and bloating to blood clots and more serious stuff. Multiple drugs say sudden increased weight gain may happen....good thing I'm doing P90X!
Thanks to all for the kind words and prayers sent up for us! We need them. Especially in the upcoming weeks!
First we ordered the meds needed. I have to go through a special Walgreens pharmacy out of Dallas. At first I was wondering why a "special" pharmacy......this is why a special pharmacy.
My meds - and their pre-insurance costs
Follistim 2 vials - $1566 (and that's the discounted price)
Menapur 10 vials - $552
Lupron 2 kits - $198
Special strength prenatal vitamins - $37
Medrol - $23
Progesterone 2 vials - $70
Zpac - $34
HCG shot - $60
Grand Total = $2,540
Come on insurance!!! In 48 hours, they'll be getting back with me on how much of that will really be out of pocket.
Tomorrow I start birth control pills. And then the schedule starts rolling....
Tues, May 11 - Trial Embryo Transfer - They are going to do a mock transfer to make sure they use the right catheter, see if they need ultrasound guidance, etc. Plus bloodwork.
Thur, May 13 - 5 hour IVF Orientation - Everything you did and didn't want to know about IVF
Sun, May 23 - Start Lupron injections
Wed, May 26 - Take last birth control pill
Wed, June 2 - Drs Appt for an ultrasound and bloodwork
Fri, June 4 - Start Stim injections
After that is just a whole lot of monitoring. Yay for plans! I know all you Type A people out there get this :) That's all for now. Stay tuned for how grateful I am for prescription coverage.....or how much I hate ExpressScripts.
Not many nerves right now. The only thing I'm nervous about is the side effects of the meds. If you look them up, they range from headaches and bloating to blood clots and more serious stuff. Multiple drugs say sudden increased weight gain may happen....good thing I'm doing P90X!
Thanks to all for the kind words and prayers sent up for us! We need them. Especially in the upcoming weeks!
:)
Yesterday, I did something that I have not done in over two years...........bought birth control pills!
They need me on them this month to have control of my cycle. Yay! Let's get this thing started!
They need me on them this month to have control of my cycle. Yay! Let's get this thing started!
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