Monday, May 30, 2011

On the Balance Beam

I feel like I'm running on a balance beam and trying to not fall off.  Things have really been changing around here and I'm just trying to keep up...hence only 2 posts in 1 month!

I don't know if it's because we waited so long for Will to come or because we saw a lot of our friends have their babies...but when Will came home, we weren't surprised by much.  We expected the tiredness, the feedings, the massive number of diapers.  What is throwing me off now is this balancing act.  If I ever thought there weren't enough hours in the day, I really feel it now.

I'm trying to find my new balance.  I've added only one more role, but it's really changed all the others.  I'm a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a wife, and a mother.  I have a career and a family.  But are there enough hours in the day for all these roles?  Do I end up shortchanging one role for the sake of another?  Or is it possible for me to rock out all these roles? 

This past week was my first full week back at work and Will's first week at daycare.  This was the week that surprised me.  Not when we brought Will home for the first time, but this past week.  I'm so busy, my to-do list is so long, and I'm so tired.  I get up for Will's 6am feeding and then start getting ready for work.  I'm the one dropping Will off, so I have to get him all situated for the day and all packed up.  I have his diaper bag, which I need to make sure I have his bottles, his milk, an extra change of clothes, his binkie, etc.  I pump right before I leave, so I need to clean my pump and pack it all up.  I get my work bag together, with lunch and bottled water.  And if I'm really on the ball that morning, I'll have time to microwave my breakfast to eat in the car.  I drop him off around 8am and then head into work.  I'm at work for 9 hours and then make the commute back home.  Tim picks up our lil man and I usually get home in time to feed him again at 6:45pm.  Tim is a godsend and helps out SO MUCH!  He has been making dinner and we usually eat around 7:30pm, after I'm done feeding Will.  Then it's close to 8pm and Will is getting restless because its about his bedtime.  But I feel like I haven't seen him much for the day yet, so I try to calm him and play with him but soon its time for his last feeding and then bedtime.  I pump again after his last feeding, otherwise I won't be able to make it the 4-5 hours that I'm hoping he'll sleep.  So now its after 10pm and I'm exhausted.  Where do I fit in anything else?

So I apologize to those who feel like I'm not calling them enough, or hanging out with them enough, or blogging/facebooking enough.  Right now I'm barely finding time to get groceries, gas up my car, shave my legs, or cook dinner.  I'm just trying to find my balance before I fall off this beam. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's Day.  All five generations of my family together.  Little Will makes generation #5.  To think just one year ago I didn't know if this would ever happen.  Ever.  A year ago, I had just started the IVF process, I was starting the birth control cycle and my shipment of IVF meds had arrived and filled my table.  A year ago I knew our chances, I knew the horrible stories of failed IVF cycles, I knew of ectopic pregnancies, I knew of poor egg quality and low sperm counts, I knew of insurance max limits, and I knew of researching adoption or embracing living as a couple.  I knew our chances. 

So Mother's Day will always hold a special place in my heart.  Because I know not everyone celebrates Mother's Day as a mother.  Not because they didn't want to, but because they never got their chance to.  So when I celebrate the day, I don't take a single breath of it for granted.  Maybe that's different than how someone else may see this holiday, or maybe it's the same.  I'm sure there are a lot of very good mothers out there who never had to worry about their chances, who never had the thought "I may never have my own child.  Mother's Day will always be painful for me.  I'm not going to get out from under the covers that day."  I would imagine that they go through Mothers Day a little different than those who have been in that dark place.  You never know what you have until it's gone or when you never even had the chance. 

It's taken me awhile to get this out into the blogosphere....out of my head.  I know it has the chance to upset some mothers out there.  Upsetting others is not my intent, helping make others aware is.  There are great mothers out there who didn't have to examine their chances or face tough realities.  They understand that being a mother on Mother's Day isn't something to take for granted.  They love on their babies with this thought in the back of their mind everyday.  My intent is that everyone understands the chance that they have been given and to not take a single day for granted, whether its Mother's Day or not.