Sunday, June 27, 2010

Busy, Nervous, Scared, & Curious

Tomorrow I'm getting up super early to drive to Kansas City for training.  Hopefully it will be a good three days.  I'm sure I'll be busy enough at work but when I go back to the hotel room all by my lonesome...that's what I'm nervous about. 

So far so good, I've only gotten nervous about Friday a couple times.  Friday is our blood test to find out if all this craziness worked, all the pins & needles, surgery & prayers.  I've been more positive the last month or two than I have been in a long time.  Our last IUI cycle, we knew that IVF was going to be the next thing to try.  So through the whole IUI cycle, I just felt like it would never have worked, so make it go quick so we can just move on.  With this cycle, I feel like it could actually, really, truly work.  I've tried a lot of positive visualization that has been good so far, but now it's getting hard.  I could see my follicles on the ultrasounds, see my E2 numbers rising, see the print out of the embryos, visualize them implanting, but this Thursday before going into the drs office I'm going to take an at-home test.  I want to be prepared.  I don't want to go into Friday with the blood test, get the results via phone during work, and be blindsided.  So this is where I get stuck.  It's pure classical conditioning.  I've done this part too many times.  I've taken over 50 pregnancy tests in the past 2 1/2 years and have seen over 50 negative results.  Never a positive result.  Not even a result that could have been confused with positive.  Therefore when I go to visualize Thursday morning, I get stuck.  I don't know what a positive looks like.  I've been conditioned to only see a negative result in my mind and that just stops my heart.

And while all that makes me very nervous and scared of Thursday morning, more scared than I've been in a long time - I'm also curious.  Curious to see what a positive feels like.  Curious to see what the test looks like, to see what Tim looks like when I tell him.  I'm curious to know if I will believe it.  I probably won't believe it...not until the blood work.  And then I'll probably not believe it until they do the second blood work a week later.  And then I'll probably be super cautious to believe it too much until I see it on the ultrasound.  I know to some that may sound like a lot of negativity, but it's our new reality.  Going on this infertility journey allows you to see many things in a whole new light, you walk each step of the journey a little different than others you may know, expect or be cautious of outcomes that others may never have ever thought of.  And through all this, it makes you stronger than anyone could have imagined.  Even yourself.

1 comment:

Heather said...

I agree with you how infertility really does allow you to see things from a different perspective and I think it really makes you appreciate how much of a miracle making a baby is! My fingers are crossed for you and finding out your test results this week!